True Tom Kidnaps the Librarian!!!

[TrueTomHarley]

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I have kidnapped @The Librarian If you ever want to see her again, (and I know I am taking a risk in saying this) you are going to have to dig down into your pockets and pony up. I figure if each reader pays $1000, that should be enough to secure her release.

There will be no special rates for those in full time service. I'm playing hardball.

Updates periodically.

[Alexa]

The librarian is a she?  Isn't it a he? Brother tom

[TrueTomHarley]

To tell you the truth, he or she or it is so flabby it is hard to tell.

[JW Insider]

4 hours ago, TrueTomHarley said:

I figure if each reader pays $1000, that should be enough to secure her release.

Can we see the first 30% of her for free? It'd be like 'proof of life.'

[TrueTomHarley]

"This is Brian Brexit reporting for tomsheepandgoats.com. I am at the world headquarters of TheWorldNewsMedia company to report on the missing report of a strange person - uh, I mean, the strange report of a missing person (sorry). I am speaking with the company president, Allen Admin. Mr. @admin, what do you make of this report?"

Not much, to tell the truth. She's probably just off on another binge. Happens all the time.

But we have credible information that she has been kidnapped by TrueTom and is being held for ransom.

If that idiot thinks anyone's going to pay to get her back, he should change his name to DumbTom. Still, her disappearance is a little hard to fathom.

You mean that she didn't have a enemy in the world?

No, not that -  everyone was her enemy. I mean that, if he kidnapped the woman, he's going to have to put up with her. Even if his ransom demands bring in tens of thousands, it's probably not worth it.

Does this create a hardship for WorldNews replacing someone with her technical expertise on short notice?

Your joking! Look, we were trying to roll out simple thread technology and she managed to get everyone confused. Alright, so TrueTom is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but there were others. Even @Annawas having a hard time, and @b4ucuhear.

Who will replace her?

The janitor always does when she is tanked. I imagine he will do so now. You know, it's strange...

You mean, about @The Librarian?

No, I mean about the janitor. He's a janitor, right? And yet he owns 15 suits. I don't care anything about the corporate agenda of that sect he's with - it's not my business - but it is still strange.

Thank you, Mr. Admin. For tomsheepandgoats.com, this is Brian Brexit reporting.

 

 

[TrueTomHarley]

She eats like a horse - that's all I have to say.

"I can't help it; I get hungry when I'm nervous. Pass me two more of those donuts, please," @The Librariansays.

So far I've raised only $2 from admin, who declared it an acceptable risk, since she owes him 20.

[TrueTomHarley]

Back when we used to date and she was known as the 'Bombshell from Bethel', she was not known for her brains. But after being booted from Bethel, she landed this gig at the library, a post she had held for many decades.

So I just assumed she was now smart. Nobody said she was. I just assumed it

Sigh - she's still dumb as a plank. Helping her pass the time while she is in my custody awaiting WorldNews readers to pay up a ransom for her release, a course that they have been surprisingly reluctant to embark on, I have offered her reading material, as a purely humanitarian gesture. Since she is @The Librarianat the library, I offered her a choice of brainy reading - writings from learned Greeks like Socrates and Hippocrates. 

"Oh, I hate the Crate brothers! I don't know which one is worse, So or Hippo!" she complained. She said she would rather try some Homer. So I fetched her The Odyssey, only to find that she meant Homer Simpson. I then said I would get her whatever she wanted, and she is binge-watching episodes of Duck Dynasty.

And - I don't know how she did it - she is under lock at key awaiting my ransom demands to be met - and my house is one and a half miles away, but she still managed to clean out my liquor cabinet.

[TrueTomHarley]

"As we enter day 3 - or is it 4, 5, or 6? - I mean, who really misses the old hen enough to keep track? - of the disappearance of @The Librarian, there are reports that her kidnapper, TrueTom, has become disheartened because his demand for ransom money has been met with laughter. This may be the least of his woes. The Librarian's personal physician, Dr. Mike 'Ace' Inhibitor, has contacted tomsheepandgoats.com to warn that the woman is a walking pharmacy and cutting her off from the drugs she is on will have dire consequences. Dr Inhibitor:"

"This is the problem you get into when you kidnap wheezing windbags like my patient. Without an adequate cushion, a friendly kidnapping and turn deadly. Even if we only count legal prescription drugs, it takes a dump truck to supply her."

Brexit: "What will happen when the effects of her current medications wear off?"

Dr. Inhibitor: "Let me put it this way: I'd prefer to be downwind of Chernobyl."

Brexit: "Thanks, Ace. A major escalation of the case that has captured everyone's - well, many of us - well, a few - well....oh alright, just my (sometimes) attention. For tomsheepandgoats.com this is Brian Brexit reporting. 

[TrueTomHarley]

This is Brian Brexit. I'm in Police Headquarters reporting on efforts to rescue @The Librarian, being held for ransom by TrueTom. Officer O'Maly, I imagine there has been much public outrage and pleadings that she be returned safely.

Well, not really, but you never know when that may start.

What progress have you made in locating her?

Zilch so far. However, a Dunkin Donuts has reported increased orders, 3 extra boxes a day picked up by a man in trench coat and dark glasses. So we planted a very clever electronic GPS listening device in one of the donuts and we expect the case to break wide open momentarily. Ah - we're picking up a signal now. Let's listen in!

CRUNCH!!  What the....There's a pebble in this donut!! Are you trying to kill me, TrueTom? I think I cracked a molar! You'd better pray you have a kidnapping rider on your dental plan. I'll clean you out!

For tomsheepandgoats.com, this is Brian Brexit reporting

[TrueTomHarley]

"This is Brian Brexit. Things are developing fast with efforts to rescue The Librarian. Police forces planted a GPS tracking device in a donut they had reason to believe would be consumed by her - she eats so many. She destroyed it by biting into it, but she let loose with such a bellow that they located her with triangulation. We take you now to the not-any-longer secret hideaway of TrueTom where @The Librarianis being held hostage."

Choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa choppa

THIS IS THE POLICE!! WE HAVE YOU COVERED IN OUR NEW HELIOCOPTER! GIVE YOURSELF UP! RELEASE THE LIBRARIAN!

KA-POW!!......WHIZZZZZZZZZZZIINNNNGGGGGGGGGGG........CLANK!!

WHOA! He's armed!! He must have pinched a rifle from JTR's arsenal! Back to Headquarters, Officer O'Maly! We'll pick up a Hostage Negotiator and play hardball!

[TrueTomHarley]

CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA

This is Brian Brexit at tomsheepandgoats.com. I am at the secret hideout of TrueTom. Things are breaking fast as police have arrived with a hostage negotiator!

THIS IS THE POLICE OVERHEAD IN OUR NEW HELIOCOPTER! WE HAVE HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR PAUL PALAVER WITH US!    GIVE YOURSELF UP!!    TAKE IT, PAUL.

THANKS, OFFICER O'MALY.    TRUE TOM! THROW DOWN YOUR WEAPON!! LET THE INNOCENT @The LibrarianGO!  WHAT HAS SHE EVER DONE TO YOU?

CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA 

SHE'S A LYING AND PERNICIOUS WENCH!! SHE'S A CORRUPTING INFLUENCE ON PEOPLE OF THE LORD!! SHE TRIED TO PUT HER BIKINI SELF IN A WATCHTOWER CENTERFOLD!! SHE KITES CHECKS AND COOKS METH!!!

CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA

WELL....BESIDES THAT.

CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA 

SHE REFUSES TO LET ME PROMOTE MY BOOK IN HER LIBRARY!!

TRUETOM, DON'T GO DOWN THE ROAD OF CRIME FOR A BOOK!!  NO BOOK IS WORTH THAT!!    WHAT BOOK IS IT, ANYWAY?

CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA 

'TOM IRREGARDLESS AND ME!'

CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA 

YOU'RE KIDDING ME!    I LOVED THAT BOOK!!    HILARIOUS, YET PERCEPTIVE!    WHAT KIND OF AN EVIL WOMAN WOULD INTERFERE WITH DISTRIBUTION OF A GENIUS WORK LIKE THAT?!!    OFFICER O'MALY, ISN'T THERE A JAYWALKER SOMEWHERE WE CAN BRING TO JUSTICE?!!

CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA

CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA

CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA CHOPPA .. ping!

 

[James Thomas Rook Jr.]

Try this:

Make some WANTED posters offering a $1000 reward for a

copy of your book ... this will make people WANT your book.

Staple the posters to telephone poles around Rochester ..

... the town, not Jack Benny's housekeeper.